A different kind of grief

There are many types of losses listed in the grief index. Divorce, losing a spouse, moving, losing a child, losing a job... etc.
What if the loss involves something that was never quite yours to begin with? Beginnings of relationships are often full of surprises, both good and bad. Today, I experienced a betrayal from a new relationship that left me blind-sided. It had been six weeks since each of us had dove into this new mystery of the unknown. It was emotional, deeply spiritual, heart-felt yet complicated as there was untangling from a previous relationship for my friend. As a grief and spiritual counselor, I like to think I am intuitive and have a heightened sense of awareness when in companionship with my clients, the bereaved. How then, did my own internal compass go astray in relationships of the heart? How do I course correct when someone acts out of integrity? Loving kindness and compassion comes to mind from the part of the counselor. Old stories emerge from the inner child. Grateful to have the knowledge while the grief is never over, it will someday be integrated.

Tonight, I am contemplative as I re-wind my own journey, through the winding roads of relationships past and present. I find myself grief, for something not yet built, yet, still a loss, given promises and exchanges of words of what may be, then taken back. It's beautiful that I can reach into my bag of tools tonight, and switch seats as I turn from being the driver, to the passenger, to be a companion along my dark side of my shadow. I am grieving my loss, peeling away the layers once more. Only now, the layers are thinner and more translucent than they were years ago. I have no regrets, which brings comfort and solace. Only hope, as my heart remains open, and vulnerable to receiving. I remember to tell myself that I am only human, and this too shall pass in the near future, to be integrated into yet another piece of the puzzle I call my life, and my life's work.